What was happening, however was that when their emotions would come up – male or female, mind you – it was disrupting their ability to focus, to compartmentalize and to remember how not to take things so personally. When the discomfort would arise, they would attach the discomfort to a specific person, rather than recognizing the pattern of the emotion itself. For instance, when someone at work would speak to them in a certain tone of voice, they would react in a way that tone made them feel – which was usually one of the following: frustrated, irritated, angry, annoyed, disrespected, unappreciated, insignificant and downright upset. When I asked them if they could go back to a previous time when someone may have said something in that same tone that made them feel the exact same way, more often than not they could.

Their emotional response to the current situation was merely a trigger-back to a previous experience…that rarely even had anything to do with work!

So what?

So, it’s about the pattern of the emotion. Emotions are important because they provide us with valuable information about how we’re really feeling. It’s important because at the end of the day, it’s not about other people, it’s about ourselves and taking responsibility for how we feel.

In order to address situations with other people, we must diffuse the trigger that is pulling us off center. Not eliminate the emotion, mind you, just diffuse the trigger that seems to push our buttons.

Here is a simple visualization exercise you can do in less than 5 minutes to diffuse an emotional trigger when it arises and manage your emotions a little more effectively so that you can continue to move forward:

1. When a challenging situation, circumstance, event or person arises and you feel yourself reacting to the emotion that comes up, imagine that there is a chord that is attached between you and the other person, or the specific situation that you are dealing with. Imagine, visualize, see, feel, pretend or just know that the chord is pulling at you from an area just around your belly button.

2. Now take a deep breath. In a moment you are going to cut that chord. If you want, this is a good time to ask for some ‘Divine’ assistance (whatever your belief is in something greater than yourself is…) – Archangel Michael is especially helpful for this type of activity; maybe you have a loved one that has passed on, or someone you admire and respect. Whether or not they are physically in your presence, it can be helpful to ask for assistance sometimes. Because you are going to cut the chord, you can imagine whatever tool(s) you would like. Perhaps a large pair of scissors, a sword, a knife, gardening shears…it is your cutting tool so you can imagine it in any way you like.

3. When you are ready, you are going to cut that chord that is attached to you and ask that when you do, the chord be returned to its original source with compassion, grace and ease. (We don’t need to examine the story of your life to drudge through the details to simply have the trigger diffused so that you can go on with your day.) Then, when you are ready, cut the chord (asking that it be returned to its original source with compassion, grace and ease.)

4. Now picture, imagine or visualize your favorite color about the size of a quarter just over the area on your abdomen, around your belly button where the chord had been attached to you. Imagine that color gently filling up your stomach, and extending outward until it has filled your ribcage.

It helps when you’re in the midst of an emotional experience. The more you practice it, the better you’ll get and the quicker you will be able to shift.

The question is, why do we expend so much energy trying to control things we really have no control over? At the end of the day, isn’t it just exhausting?

Life is actually quite simple. We have two choices in any given situation, circumstance or event. We can be a victim and believe that things are happening to us, that we have no control over our situation and blame others for the injury we have suffered. Or, we can start taking responsibility for our own lives, our own thoughts, our own words and our own actions and decide that regardless of the injury, we are going to live life on our own terms, powerfully.

In our society, we are supported, encouraged and even rewarded for being victims. And yet, does being a victim ever feel good? Not usually. Being a victim tends to make us feel weak, vulnerable and powerless. And these feelings in turn can lead to depression, frustration and uncertainty.

The difference between taking responsibility for ourselves when life throws us a curve ball versus being a victim of a situation, is that we become far better equipped mentally, emotionally and energetically. We stop allowing energy vampires to suck the life out of us, and rather than feeling powerless, depressed and frustrated, we are able to experience our situation as an opportunity to test our super-powers of strength, positivity, clarity and focus.

If you are sick and tired of feeling frustrated, drained, like you just can’t get a break, and are ready to get over yourself and on with your life, here are a few guidelines for living life on your own terms.

1. Stop blaming everyone else

Seriously, stop it. Stop giving your power away and blaming others for what is, or is not, happening in your life. Your life is not anybody else’s fault and people are not doing anything to you.

What you are experiencing is not somebody else’s fault. They may have had a hand in creating an uncomfortable experience. YOU are the one who gets to decide how it goes from there.

1. Your Life is Your Responsibility

How do you feel about your life right now? Are you frustrated with work? Do bad things happen frequently to you? Is physical or emotional pain keeping you from fully enjoying each day? Are you overwhelmed with so much to do that you procrastinate doing any of it?

So, what are you doing about it?

“Stop expecting the world to rescue you. The Lone Ranger is not coming.” Larry Winget

There is no magic pill or knight in shining armor on a white horse coming to take you away or make all of the discomfort disappear. YOU are your own hero. You want control of your life? Then take the responsibility for it.

How you feel and what you think is reflected in how you speak (in the words that you use), and manifests itself in your world around you. Own your feelings, be truthful with yourself and be willing to face reality squarely in the face so that you may make decisions that empower you and bring you joy.

1. Things are not always as they seem

No matter how much we think we know, we don’t really know everything. We all base our experiences on our own perceptions which have been colored through our own lens of past events and observations, and may or may not be the full truth of any situation.

In Communion with God, Neale Donald Walsch writes, “Please temporarily give up any previous notions you have about God & Life…it is not about abandoning them forever, but of merely setting them aside for the moment….to allow for the possibility that there may be something you do not know. The knowing of which could change everything.”

While we spend most of our lives accumulating knowledge so that we can determine our values and beliefs and live accordingly, the truth is that there is an entire world of experiences that exist beyond our knowing.

Everything happens for a reason – even if we do not know what the reason is at the time. Keep an open mind and be willing to allow for that which you do not know. Sometimes the truth is far better than you ever could have imagined.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

Feelings are simple, really. We like things that make us feel good – love, affection, romance, acknowledgment. We don’t like things that make us feel bad – frustration, anger, sadness, hurt.

Of course, if we didn’t know what one felt like, how would we recognize the other? How could we know if we were in a good mood if we didn’t know what it felt like to be angry, upset, etc. The feelings we don’t like, we deny them, stuff them or rationalize them away. We do anything we can to avoid really acknowledging them and hope that it limits our discomfort.

Here’s the thing – feelings, pain and discomfort (physical, mental or emotional) are like a little kid pulling on your pant leg to get your attention.

If you have kids, you understand. If you don’t, go spend a day with a 3 or 4-year old.

When a child wants your attention, they do not really care what is going on in the rest of your life at the moment. They are not maliciously trying to upset you or piss you off. They are attempting to bring your awareness to a situation that needs attention.

Once you give them your full, undivided attention, they feel acknowledged and heard, and move on to greater adventures with more fun until the next time.

Feelings are exactly like that! They are designed to increase our awareness of our experiences and help us determine how we want to live our lives. Acknowledge them as they come up and remember, tears are nothing but a little bit of water.

1. Say what you mean

In challenging situations, are you more concerned with wanting to be ‘nice’ then saying what you’re really thinking? Are you afraid if you say what you really mean someone else might be offended, hurt or feel discounted?

Saying what you mean doesn’t mean you’re a jerk and being nice doesn’t necessarily require saying more. When we default what we’re really thinking and feeling for the sake of being nice for others, we compromise ourselves. (Come on, be honest, we’ve all had those moments after a situation where we’ve kicked ourselves and come up with at least 3 responses of what we should have said).

Try this: Take a current situation you’re having challenges in communicating around. Write out what you want to say. Now see if you can write that same explanation or communication out in 10 words or less.

Eliminate the fluff and get to the heart of the matter. It may be a little challenging at first, and the more you practice, the better you will get.

Life is what we choose to make of it, and often we must be willing to get over ourselves in order to get on with the business of truly living our lives.

(c) 2009 All Rights Reserved
For more than 20 years, Jenn Kaye, founder of Touch with Intention™ and Head-On Communications™ International, has helped individuals around the world to get more of what they value most in their lives and relationships – with less effort and more fun. She has been has been seen and heard on NBC Radio, Good Morning Arizona, Sonoran Living, RealTime Moms, BabyFirst TV, and quoted in dozens of publications including Femina, India’s leading women’s magazine and The Inspiration Journal. For more information, visit www.LifeHeadOn.com or contact Jenn at (602) 403-3500.

It happens to all of us. The truth is, not making the call, the time or taking the action ruins our credibility and sabotages our connections in relationships.

Why is that important? Your credibility influences how much others will communicate with you authentically, cooperate with you, learn from you, be influenced by you and connect with you.

Come on, remember the last time your significant other said they were going to do something for you and they didn’t? Be honest, you’ve got that time stacked up with all the other skeletons in the closet just waiting to remind them of their failure the next time they make the offer.

It doesn’t matter if you are male or female. To create instant credibility and connection there are 9 little letters that represent the key to any relationship.

DWYSYAGTD.

Do. What. You. Say. You. Are. Going. To. Do.

If you say you are going to call…CALL.

If you say you are going to start spending more time together…just the two of you, GO ON A DATE NIGHT.

If you say you are going to work at creating more balance in your life…PRACTICE. Identify where you feel out of balance and do SOMETHING to help you relieve stress, spend more time with the kids, pay more attention to your spouse.

If you say you are going to stop overextending yourself so that you don’t feel so exhausted and taken for granted at the end of the day…start saying NO.

I realize that actually doing what you say you are going to do can seem, at times, overwhelming. We often say we are going to do something in a spontaneous moment of reaction. We want to be nice. We mean it in the moment. We know that if we tell someone what they want to hear, we increase the chance of them liking us or of receiving a positive response.

It is often more compelling for us to say we are going to do something, even if we do not follow through with it, than to stop for a moment, give the idea or request some honest consideration, and say we are NOT at that time.

When we don’t do what we say we are going to do, we lose credibility and integrity.

That works in at least two ways.

1. Doing what you say you are going to do, first and foremost, starts with YOURSELF.

We must remember that other people are merely reflections of us. We cannot like or dislike something about someone else without liking or disliking that same thing about ourselves.

So instead of projecting our own anger or disappointment at ourselves onto someone else, which usually doesn’t make someone else feel very good, we begin by being honest with ourselves and take the responsibility for correcting our own behavior first.

Why do we do blame others? Because it takes great courage to look at oneself, to acknowledge that we are not perfect and run the risk of self-disappointment.

2. When WE do what we say we are going to do, we gain credibility and with ourselves, which models to others a standard to aspire to.

Social psychologists have shown that we normalize to our environment. If our environment and our choices are filled with blame, guilt, resentment and incongruencies, others will respond to that in kind. On the flip side, when we make choices that are responsible, trustworthy, open and honest, others will begin to model that behavior as well.

Seriously, who wants to live a life feeling unfulfilled? Like they can’t do anything right? Feeling constantly guilty or resentful?

No matter how small you think something is, if you say you’re going to do it, start practicing now. You will build credibility and connection faster in all your relationships than you ever imagined.

For more than 20 years, Jenn Kaye, founder of Touch with Intention™ and Head-On Communications™ International, has helped individuals around the world to get more of what they value most in their lives and relationships – with less stress and more fun. She has been has been seen and heard on NBC Radio, Good Morning Arizona, Sonoran Living, RealTime Moms, BabyFirst TV, and quoted in dozens of publications including Femina, India’s leading women’s magazine and The Inspiration Journal. Receive her FREE e-newsletter, visit www.LifeHeadOn.com or contact Jenn at (602) 403-3500.

You see, we were discussing the ways of the world one day and I was in one of my fairly regularly scheduled modes of overload sharing with him a series of synchronistic events that occurred. I casually mentioned that I had been clearly knocked upside the head by the Universal 2×4 and was laughing at how this series of events had clearly provided me with an awareness of what was happening in my life and the resources for moving out of overwhelm.

He, in his wonderfully inquisitive way, asked what I meant.